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Attachment Theory & Relationships

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As human beings we crave human connection. It's wired within us. But how we relate in relationships with others is rooted in our childhood from birth onward's in terms of our attachment to caregivers. The result of which depend's on how we are seen as children and how and whether or not our needs are met. This effects how we relate to others in childhood and then leading into adulthood, whether we feel safe and secure of unsafe and non secure, which manifests itself in adulthood and then in adult relationships.

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Attachment theory explain's how this plays out. Loving and attentive caregivers allow us to be healthy, to flourish, to feel loved, to feel secure and safe in connections with others and enables us to be autonimous and able to go through life secure in ourselves.

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However, when needs are not met from our caregivers we tend to feel unseen and unheard, our cries and our physical and emotional needs unmet, the message being that we can't express our emotions and aspects of the personality. Or perhaps the caregiver is inconsistent; one minute being open and attentive and the next unresponsive. 

 

This all lays the pathway for how we show up in adult relationships. If secure then we are likely to be able to build safe and trusting connections and will feel whole and able to conduct ourselves within the relationship dynamic's. If non secure then we will feel anxious in our connections, unable to trust in anyone for fear of abandonment, resulting in feeling like we need reassurance and care. Or perhaps we will avoid connection when it gets too intense emotionally, when intimacy arises and when we feel unsafe and will therefore leave the relationship dynamic. We may avoid closeness altogether and come across as unemotional and shut down. This is all a way of protecting ourselves from potential hurt.We can also show up as unpredictable and be disorganised in our attachments, pulling one way and then the other.

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In adult relationships- primarily romantic ones- attachment theory really shows itself. It is the root for how we are shaped as people and we carry it into our adult connections.

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From looking at the past parental dynamics as well as later relationship dynamics from adolescence, latency and then adulthood we can identify how you appear in relationships, what triggers you, what makes you feel unsafe and how to communicate needs as well as establishing for yourself what a safe and healthy dynamic should look like.

We will do this from working on building inner security, building self worth and sense of self leading to the safe, healthy and happy connection that you deserve.

 

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 Anxiety is very common and it can be terrifying, especially not knowing where it comes from, what it's about and why it is happening, leaving you afraid, confused and stuck, dictating how your day will be. Perhaps it comes on unexpectedly with your heart racing, mouth dry and a warm heatwave rushing through your body.

There may be certain things that make you anxious and that leave you feeling outside of yourself. Perhaps it's in a relationship, work related, being around other people or fear of doing something wrong which may relate to self confidence, or even just something in general such as getting into a car or going to the shops. There may be no pattern to it either and you may not understand anything about it. 

If it's attachment anxiety then we can explore your past relationships and look at where the fear and distrust and fear of connection began, allowing you an understanding of why your patterns are repeated and how to separate the past relationships from the present, be they family, friends or romantic relationships.

Well, I can help you to understand what it happening to you and how to take control of your life, either again or for the first time.

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